My father died last November. He died when he was 69. He was a small man. (I'm taller than he was and I am just 5' 6.5") Not a really good looking man. He was a very strict man. When we were children my first question coming home and none of my parents were in sight, always was, "where is Mom?", second "where is Pa?". First was asked hopefully, second was asked fearfully. I always was in fear of him. I had a lovely Mom. She was a silent and caring woman. My father was an impatient man, irascible, sometimes violent and very jealous. He used to drink from time to time. He was a hard working man. Proud of the fact that he never skipped a day of work. He was a simple man. He worked as a driver for garbage collection. He somehow seemed to be always angry on something, angry on the world he lives in. Maybe he was angry that he had so much responsibilities, maybe that he thought he would have to earn the better things in life as he had that days. When he came home from work (most times he came home early at 2pm or earlier) we had to be silent so he was able to held his nap which was always long and lasted mostly over nearly the whole afternoon. If we somehow disturbed his sleep he woke up with a very bad mood and in those moods it could happen that he beat us no matter what we'd done. He beat my mom too. My sisters moved out of home really early. My older sister Andrea (2 years older) moved out when she was 16 and my little sister Monika (3 years younger) moved out when she was 16 as well. Andrea moved to my grandma and went to school and made here apprenticeship as a nurse. I envied her having the freedom to move and go out and do more of the things she loved and to live with my grandma which I loved very deeply. After my Mom died my little sister (16) and brother (5) and I lived alone with my father in our house. Monika is a very difficult person. She always does what she wants no matter what the consequences were. She ran of at night with her boyfriend took the balcony to escape and came home in the early morning hours. When my father once noticed that (he saw the marks of her footprints at the house beneath the balcony) the shit hits the fan. He'd beat her half to death and locked her in our cellar for the rest of the day. When she came out she ran away. She never came back. From that day on she lived in some kind of orphanage.
My father never was that hard and strict to my brother. He was so happy when he was born as it was a boy. Boys did count more in his opinion. I lived at home until I ended school and started with my apprenticeship on that farm and lived out there.
My father married again. A young philippine woman. After a few years he bought himself a house down on the Philippines sold the house here took my brother and moved. I have a nice stepmom. I like her somehow but she is different as I don't know and understand her mentality. And I commiserated her, to be married to such a man. My brother grew up to a man on the Philippines. I barely know him.
Like 5 years ago or so my father came back to Germany as an ill man. He had several surgeries on his heart (bypass) and after 2 more years his legs were ablated. He never really recovered from that and died last year. Sometimes I think if this disease was somehow a punishment for what he's done to us, my mother, my sisters, my brother, distroying our childhoods in a lot of aspects.
He once said to me (I guess I was in my mid twenties) that he always wanted just the best for us. (as all parents want)
And he once said to me too (he was very ill at that time) that he see's his disease as a punishment for what he's done to my mother.
When I was younger and still lived at home, I often thought of methods how to kill him.
I forgave him, but I will never forget.
Will I be forgiven?
edit: it is not that my childhood was all bad. I had everything, we got everything, I could go to school and play with friends, but the feeling to come home all the time with fear will always be with me. Even now sometimes I'm afraid. E.g. when the phone is ringing loudly, I'm terrified it might disturb SOMEONE...
10:30 - November 18, 2008
Recent entries:
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Das kannste schon so machen, aber dann ist es halt Kacke - April 08, 2019
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